


The Twelve Nights of Christmas

by Rhysanoodle



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Christmas, F/M, Mutual Pining, Smut, bed sharing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:01:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21802600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhysanoodle/pseuds/Rhysanoodle
Summary: My piece for Day 7 of ACOTAR AU Week over on Tumblr: Free AU! Would you expect any less of me than doing a Christmas bed sharing AU when left to my own devices? Of course not! Enjoy the pining and the smut! 😏
Relationships: Elain Archeron/Azriel
Comments: 5
Kudos: 98
Collections: ACOTAR AU Week, ACOTAR AU Week Day 7





	The Twelve Nights of Christmas

## Night 1

“Thank you so much for having me Mr. and Mrs. Archeron.” Azriel offered Elain’s mother the bouquet he’d brought.

When Elain had learned that Azriel had nowhere to go for Christmas break, she hadn’t hesitated to offer to let him come stay with her family. The holiday celebration was always a party with her whole family reconvening for this crazy week in which the tree would get put up and cookies would get decorated and drinks would be had.

“Oh, of course, dear!” Her mother ushered the two of them inside. “It’s so nice to finally meet you!”

“You as well. I’ve heard so much about you,” said Azriel, ever the charmer. “Will I be getting to taste your infamous turkey casserole this week?”

“Heavens, no.” Elain’s mother was laughing now. “That’s a treat reserved for Thanksgiving, but if you truly want to try that disaster, you’re always welcome here.”

“Okay, mom,” Elain sighed, steering Azriel farther into her childhood house. “Let’s just see if he survives _this_ holiday before planning for the future.” To Azriel she added, “Come on. Let’s go put our bags up.”

Elain led the way upstairs, dropping her suitcase into her bedroom and then showing Azriel the guest room at the end of the hall. But when she opened the door, she found another suitcase overturned, the sheets unmade. She could’ve sworn she had checked and double-checked that it was alright to bring a guest …

“Mom!” she called, barreling down the stairs. “Why is there already stuff in the guest room?”

“Because Nana’s visiting! You just missed her going to the market with Feyre and Nesta, but I was going to have her surprise you two when she returned.”

“But I asked if Azriel could stay over,” Elain stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. She and Azriel were just close friends, nothing more.

“So?”

“Where is he supposed to sleep?”

“Heavens, Elain. You know your father and I aren’t so old fashioned. We just assumed you two were …”

Elain’s eyes widened, but she couldn’t figure out where to go next. She didn’t want to vehemently disown Azriel, yet she was _sure_ she’d referred to him as her friend on the phone with her parents.

“I’m sorry,” Azriel blurted from the stairs. “I can just drive back to my place. It’s really not that big of a deal.”

That caused Elain to thaw. “Nonsense.” She turned to him. “You’re spending Christmas with us. I’m not letting you drive four hours all the way back just to sit there alone. It’s fine. You can sleep in my room.”

She wasn’t sure how, but they’d make it work. It was the damned holiday season, and she wasn’t going to let her best friend wither away on campus like he apparently had silently done for the past _two years_ without really bothering to mention it.

They had a wonderful evening of putting up the Christmas tree and each placing all of their childhood ornaments on it, with eggnog and upbeat, cheerful songs playing in the background. Elain offered half of her box to Azriel so he didn’t feel so left out, and he had quite the laugh at all of her elementary school creations and the embarrassing baby pictures of her on some of them.

When they were finally all sleepy and rum-addled, her sisters began heading off to bed, so Elain began pulling Azriel upstairs.

“You know I can just sleep down here,” Azriel offered, gesturing to the couch.

“For a couple of weeks? It’s not very comfortable, and you’d constantly get woken up. My parents are early birds. Come on. We’ll make it work.”

Thankfully, he didn’t put up much of a fight, brushing his teeth and getting in bed with a bit of hesitation but no complaints.

Elain took an admittedly overly long shower before finally bucking up the courage to slip under the covers next to him.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t fallen asleep in her absence. She had been hoping to alleviate the awkwardness, yet he was sitting up reading. She should have figured. He’d brought a full stack of books with him this week.

“So ...” she said, sliding into bed next to him, being careful to leave a couple feet of room. “It doesn’t have to be weird, right? We’re just two friends sharing a bed.”

“Right. It’s just for a week. Thanks, by the way. I know it’s not ideal, but I appreciate it.”

“Of course. You’re my best friend. There was no way you were going to waste away on campus for another year. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this before!”

“Yeah, yeah.” He shrugged it off, but she could tell he was smiling as he set his book on the nightstand before turning the lamp off.

She elbowed him in the side gently before rolling over and trying to fall asleep.

* * *

How the hell had Azriel ended up in this situation? And with Elain Archeron of all people. He would be lying to himself if he said that he wasn’t ecstatic. Elain remained the most astonishing mystery of his life. They’d become friends a couple of years ago after a chem lab, and then things had just escalated from there.

But there had always been this barrier he hit with her. He’d long since convinced himself that he was fine, but here lying in this bed with her, it was difficult for him to reconcile those feelings with the nearness of her body, the floral scent of her shampoo as her locks spilled onto her pillow, assaulting his senses.

He was doomed to have to survive these weeks without somehow touching her, without being able to hold her and call her his own. _Twelve days_ , he reminded himself. Just twelve days, and they could go back to the rightful order of their lives. Just twelve days where he would soak up every moment with her he could.

* * *

Last night hadn’t been nearly as bad as Elain had expected. She’d dozed off fairly quickly, and though she could feel his presence on the other side of the bed, nothing about waking up next to him had been weird. In fact, she’d been surprised at how adorable he looked when she snuck a glance at his sleeping face before going downstairs for breakfast.

The usual hardness he wore had been shorn away and replaced with a boyish peace. It was nice to know that not every part of him was haunted by his hard childhood. 

That was one of the things Elain lamented the most. She knew how sweet he was deep down, but it had taken time for her to break through those barriers and get to know the man underneath. Even now, he still always seemed a little on edge at all times, his face hardened as if expecting the worst, even though they were each others’ closest friends.

All things considered, she felt a renewed sense of excitement about how this week was going to go.

## Night 2

Wasting no time, Elain slid beneath the covers next to Azriel, glad that there was already a hint of warmth here in her otherwise freezing room.

“I can’t believe you ate so many cookies today,” Azriel commented. “That has to be some new kind of record.”

Elain feigned offense, retorting, “I can’t believe you only had three! Baking Christmas cookies is a hallowed tradition where the calories don’t count. And they’re just so gooooood.” She drew out the word for emphasis. She’d always had a sweet tooth, but when it came time to break out the holiday cookbooks, there was no restraining her.

“Well, I had to try them all, and they were good. You know I’m not that into dessert though.”

“Damn shame, though at least there are more for me now.”

“At least you’ll always know that your horde of sweets is safe when I’m around. If I can resist the Christmas cookie temptation, then I can resist anything.”

“Anything?” Elain wondered aloud with an involuntary batting of her eyelashes. She wasn’t sure why, because she instantly flushed, but Azriel thankfully just laughed off her joke.

“I’m sure with enough willpower, it’s possible. Goodnight, Elain.”

He flipped the light off, and the two of them settled into a companionable silence. But the silence did nothing to quiet Elain’s churning mind. _With enough willpower?_ Was he insinuating that resisting _her_ was something that took willpower for him? Or was that all part of the jest? Why did she even care?

Suddenly the distance between them felt like a chasm. And she had no way of reaching the other side to gauge what was going on here.

It took her ages of puzzling before her mind found rest.

## Night 3

“I thought those houses with light shows were only something people did for crazy YouTube videos,” Azriel admitted to Elain as they got in bed the next night. Somehow this had become the time where the two of them unwound and talked about their days. It was nice in a way, always being in the same room and never having to fuss with texting.

“Nope. There’s always a handful in this neighborhood.” Their family had gone out and walked through the streets on a tour of all the gorgeous setups. Admittedly, it was one of the more upscale neighborhoods in the area, so many people hired companies to do the work. She was pretty sure two houses a few blocks over were in an eternal decorations battle, always trying to outdo each other.

“Wow,” Azriel murmured, and for the first time, Elain felt a bit embarrassed by the grandeur of it all. She’d known that he was on scholarship and had grown up much less well off than her, but the look on his face as he took them all in, as he digested the work of probably thousands of dollars spent on frivolity …

“I’m sorry. I know it’s a bit much,” she admitted to him, trying to assuage her own guilt at having thrown him into this world.

“It’s where you grew up. I love learning these things about your home,” Azriel offered her back. “And they really were incredible. How do people come up with these things?”

“I think it’s fueled by the competitive nature of wanting to have the most beautiful house on the block.”

“And it never gets tiring?”

“It sure would for me, but this has kind of been a constant for them for as long as I can remember.”

“Interesting.” He went back to his book, and the two lay in silence, Elain feigning sleep until he was finally tired enough to turn out the light. She didn’t think she imagined the fact that as he settled in, he felt nearer to her than he’d been last night. She also wasn’t sure how to feel about the butterflies tittering away in her stomach as she realized that she wished they were closer.

## Night 4

Tonight had been a late night, with the Christmas Eve church service followed by watching a Christmas movie marathon. Somehow, the holiday excitement still kept all three Archeron sisters up much later than usual, the nervous rush stealing their sleep.

It was only when Azriel had started to doze off during _Love Actually_ that Elain finally excused them both to bed, leading her sleepy best friend back to her bedroom. When he hit the bed, he collapsed gratefully, and Elain went about readying herself for bed.

He had completely passed out by the time she crawled into bed, but something about her warmth or her body shifting the bed seemed to have triggered some unconscious instinct within him because she soon found his body curled up against her own.

A jolt of electricity coursed through her, shocking her at how vividly aware she was at every single point of contact between them. His cedar scent wafted over her, and Elain felt even more alert than she had all evening, unsure how she was ever supposed to fall asleep tonight.

## Night 5

Elain wished she had bought more for Azriel to open. Ever the good sports, her parents had also picked up a few books she thought he’d like and a sweater they’d apparently picked out themselves, but she had felt acutely awkward all throughout the morning.

She knew Azriel would never complain, but it was sad to her that he had no family to dote on him as wonderfully as her own did. He was still smiling quietly to himself though as they sat side-by-side on the couch.

All in all, it had been a joyous day, and now the two of them were settling down for the evening, Elain shivering at how cold her room had become due to the cold front which had swept in last night.

“Your family is really sweet, Elain. I wasn’t expecting any of this,” Azriel piped up, gesturing to the new book in his hands.

“I still wish I’d gotten you more.”

“It was more than enough.” He smiled at her. “Really.” A scarred hand landed atop her own as he attempted to reassure her—a constant reminder of the abuse he’d suffered when he was younger. “You’re shivering,” he murmured.

“I’m fine.” Elain wrapped her arms tightly around her chest, willing her body to calm its ruckus in vain. Even her thick layers were doing nothing to combat the chill that ran through this house. Her corner room had always been more difficult to heat than the others.

“No, you’re not. I’m pretty sure you’re shaking even harder now,” Azriel chuckled. “Do you want me to warm you?”

 _Yes._ “I’m not sure that’s the best idea,” she murmured back through chattering teeth.

“It’s just body heat, Elain. Besides, we cuddled last night, so what’s the difference?”

“The difference is that you were asleep, and it was an accident.”

“So what? It still happened, and we’re fine, right?” It was hard for Elain to argue with that logic, especially when her body was screaming at her to agree, having immensely enjoyed the contact last night. They had silently agreed this morning to just not mention the fact that they woke up to find themselves entangled.

“I guess,” she relented, doing her best to appear reluctant. It embarrassed her that she craved this so much with her best friend, and she was still trying to piece together what exactly these feelings of hers meant.

“Come here.” Azriel patted the the section of the mattress adjacent to himself, and Elain slid over to meet him.

He turned and switched off the light before engulfing her, the heat of his chest radiating through her back as he wrapped a corded arm across her middle. Her legs, of their own accord, tangled themselves with his own, the better to soak in all he was offering her.

“Better?” he breathed into her ear, a nod being the only response she could muster as her insides turned to jelly, an inexplicable flame settling low in her gut. “Good.”

Elain waited until she thought he had dozed off before she experimented, grabbing the hand which was slung over her torso with one hand and weaving their fingers, feeling the callouses as they brushed against her soft skin. A sense of peace washed over her, and she found sleep much more quickly than she expected.

## Night 6

“Come here.” Azriel was beckoning her into him.

“Is this just a thing we do now?” she quipped, but she didn’t put up a fight, burrowing into his warmth.

“Sure beats sleeping alone,” Azriel admitted quietly, and Elain couldn’t help but agree with that. She wondered if this couldn’t be something they still did every once in awhile when they got back to school. That wouldn’t be weird, would it?

Though she could only imagine how strange it would be if Azriel got a girlfriend or something, and they had to stop, and—

No. Elain’s stomach turned at the mere idea of that happening. They were just best friends, so why was she feeling so possessive of him? He was free to do as he pleased. She’d just gotten lucky, she guessed, that a guy as handsome as Azriel had had few and far between relationships since they’d met, never lasting long or becoming serious enough to really change their friendship dynamic.

“Hey, Elain?” Azriel’s voice cut through the darkness.

“Yeah, Az?”

“Do you ever think about what we’re going to do when we graduate? What life will be like?”

“A little. I mean, I’d love to get a job as a teacher, maybe do some more research. I figure you’ll probably be some hotshot forensics analyst. Living it up in a big city.”

“Hmmm.” Elain could hear the frown in his voice.

“You’re going to have no problem making it,” she reassured him. She’d seen his grades. He could easily finish top of his class if he kept them up, and she knew that any job he applied for would be a fool to turn him down. “Just make sure you don’t forget us little people when you make it big.”

“I … I wouldn’t want that if it meant giving you up,” Azriel breathed, and Elain could swear she heard a tint of something else there. Surely, that just had to be this crazy longing she was feeling in the pit of her stomach. There was no other explanation.

“You don’t have to give me up for anything. I’ll always be there for you.” And she meant it. Even if they lived oceans apart, Elain would always make time for Azriel no matter what.

That seemed to satisfy him well enough, for he didn’t argue with her, just pulling her more tightly against his chest as the two of them drifted off.

## Night 7

This new routine was working out mighty fine for Elain, who now showered much more quickly, knowing that it meant crawling into Azriel’s arms even sooner. She’d even gotten into the habit of lazing about in bed for longer than she intended each morning because she did not look forward to relinquishing his touch.

It took everything in her not to turn around, because whatever beast inside her had begun awakening was only growing more and more insistent that she make what she knew would surely be a terrible decision. Romance and friendship didn’t mix well—she knew that from her experience with Lucien.

And if that longing deep inside her had its way, she would probably do something as idiotic as kissing him and messing up this thing that they had. They had promised that it wouldn’t get weird between them, and Elain was fairly certain that their lips finding each others’ would definitely qualify as weird.

“What are you thinking about?” Azriel asked her out of the blue.

“Oh, nothing.”

“Nothing? You got rather quiet there.”

“It was just a busy day, and I’m sleepy,” Elain lied, thankful for the darkness enshrouding them. At least if he couldn’t see her face, he would be less likely to call her on her bullshit.

“Okay,” Azriel relented, thankfully not pushing her further as she took the hand draped over her in her own, snuggling into his warmth. “You always smell like vanilla and roses after you shower,” he murmured. “I like it.”

All hopes of Elain calming down and falling asleep easily flew right out the window. Surely he could hear the racket her heart was making with each rapid thud against her ribcage.

“Thanks,” she admitted feebly, wishing she had the balls to admit to him that the smell of him entangled in her sheets had been driving her absolutely mad for the duration of their stay.

## Night 8

“Elain?” Azriel asked, voice concerned from behind her.

Oh god. Azriel had just been adjusting his arm, and the movement of it as it swept near her waistline had made Elain’s breath hitch noticeably. Maybe he’d just think something was wrong.

“What was that about?”

“Nothing.”

Azriel repeated the motion, and true to their betraying nature, Elain couldn’t help the way her muscles locked up in anticipation of something which was never coming. Damn them all.

“Do you want more?” he whispered, leaving her flustered and in need of coming up with something even remotely coherent to say back to him.

His hands stopped, hovering just above the drawstring to her pajama pants, waiting. Just. Waiting. Elain wanted this more than anything right now, but the thought of voicing it …

“It doesn’t have to mean anything.” His voice was wavering as she began nodding profusely. “But I need to hear you say it.”

“Yes,” she breathed, feeling his hand dip below her waistband, a gasp bubbling through her lips at the chill of his hands.

“I’m sorry. I don’t have to keep—”

“Do it.” Her own voice was raspy as her entire body buckled beneath the brush of his fingers grazing her clit as they made their way down.

Azriel obliged her, two calloused fingers sliding gently into her, her focus narrowing to his digits as he began pumping them in rhythm with his thumb as it remained on her clit. If this wasn’t heaven, Elain didn’t know what was.

Her flush had nothing to do with his body heat as she fought to keep still within his arms, every thrust of his fingers pushing her farther and farther over the edge, the desire to lean into his touch overwhelming.

When she finally shattered around him, she felt his breath hot and heavy against her neck.

More. She wanted more. Wanted him to never stop pleasuring her, but soon he pulled back, withdrawing his hand from where it was so blissfully engaged, much to her dismay. But how was she supposed to tell Azriel that that was the best orgasm she’d had in months now? Years, maybe.

He had said it didn’t need to mean anything, which meant he was just doing a favor for his friend. Nothing more. Perhaps she should return the favor. It was no secret to her that he had enjoyed fingering her from the impression made on her backside.

She attempted to turn around but found herself pinned in place by his strength.

“I knew you were going to try that,” Azriel chuckled. “I’m good for tonight. Promise.”

“It sure doesn’t _feel_ like it,” Elain complained, morbidly curious now.

“Go to sleep, Elain. If you still feel like it, you can do whatever you want to me tomorrow.”

She pouted, but she was in all honesty rather exhausted so she relented. Even so, she still couldn’t help wondering what it was exactly he was offering her and how she was going to continue to keep him at arm's length when it went against every fiber of her being.

## Night 9

Elain was facing Azriel now as he turned out the lights, unwilling to be quietly placated tonight. She’d either get some answers from him or she’d make sure that she went down on him before he could even get it into his head to selflessly make her cum like that again.

“Roll over,” he murmured, their breaths mingling. Close enough to kiss if only … If only she had the guts, but kissing meant something more. This fooling around they could maybe sustain. There was no going back from the confession which she’d inevitably sign over with her lips.

“You first.”

“Elain,” he groaned, but her hand was already reaching for his waistband, pleasantly surprised with the stiffness she found waiting beneath.

“Don’t you lie to me and tell me you don’t want this too. Besides, I believe you mentioned that I was allowed to do ‘anything I want’ to you tonight. I want to.” She began to stroke him lightly through his pants.

Azriel let out a soft moan as he flipped onto his back, supplicating her with his body, unable to resist her touch anymore. She gently tugged at his waistband, and he obliged her, rolling his pants down until he was exposed beneath her. Oh how easy it would be to slip her own pants off and give them both the release they need simultaneously, but Elain settled for lowering her mouth until his head had crested her lips, filling herself with him and delighting in the way his body contracted beneath her, shuddering at the contact.

She flirted with him with her tongue as she pumped up and down, always making sure to linger on his head in a way she could tell was driving him mad. It didn’t take long before he succumbed to her touch, his muscles locking and a salty taste hitting the back of her tongue before she could swallow it.

Elain found herself wriggling up the length of his body as soon as she detached herself, whispering, “How was that?”

She could feel his labored breathing as she lay flush with him, waiting in silence.

“So good.”

“Heh. You could’ve had that last night,” she crooned, making a snap decision to roll back over to her side of the bed before she could do something she regretted.

The silence was penetrated by Azriel getting up and walking to the restroom, emerging a few minutes later and lying back behind her, as usual. “I’m not thrilled I made that decision,” he finally admitted, his hand curling across her abdomen, his fingers threading their way just inside her waistband.

“So what is this thing that we’re doing?” she asked, hoping for clarification.

“Can’t friends help each other out sometimes? Besides, well, it’s you. I wouldn’t trust just anybody.”

“Have you done this with anyone else before?”

“No,” he breathed. “Just you. It’s just you, Elain.” His words held a raw familiarity which triggered something inside her, but he’d just reconfirmed that they were only doing this as friends. Nothing more.

She changed the subject, not wanting to dwell on her aching heart any longer.

## Night 10

It was hard these days to just go about her day knowing what was waiting for her on the other side of the sun, just out of reach—and to not want to lean into Azriel a little more, to reach for his hand when they were sitting alone together. But she stayed strong, knowing that these nights alone in her room were waiting for her.

Here in the dark, she could thrive, not having to question what was going on. She could be content to let his hands and tongue rove over her in the shroud the night provided them, never letting any of it become real.

Tonight they had both gotten each other off and were lying sweaty and drained together, Elain daring to curl into the crook of his arm, her head lying on his chest. Only two more nights like this before they drove back to school and burst this bubble.

She fell asleep cradling that thought, wishing that winter break could last forever if not so that this slice of heaven could continue.

## Night 11

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year!” Everyone in the room cheered as they watched the ball drop in Times Square through their screen, after a champagne-filled evening spent playing games.

Thoroughly tipsy at this point, Elain’s head whipped around to find Azriel grinning next to her on the couch, a hair's breadth separating them. It took only the span of a second for her hazy brain to jump to the conclusion that she needed to match all the strangers on tv and reach up to give Azriel a peck on the lips. To her surprise, he returned it, matching her with a fervor she previously would’ve never predicted.

They broke it off, to a smattering of cheering and applause from around them, causing Elain to flush and need to find an escape route. At least what she and Azriel had done in the privacy of her room had been a secret. Now she’d just made a fool out of the both of them with an audience in tow.

She bolted up the stairs, only barely processing the sounds of shock from her sisters and Azriel apologizing and promising to check on her as she ran.

Only a minute later, he knocked and cracked the door, apparently deciding it was safe to enter when she didn’t rebuke him. He found her seated on the edge of the bed and wrapped an arm around her.

“Hey, it’s okay, El,” he murmured, over and over as she sat there ashamed. Eventually, he fell silent, and she thought he’d given up, until she felt the tickle of his lips against her neck, sending shivers down her spine and unraveling her, until she finally dared to look at him.

Azriel wasted no time, tilting her chin and lifting her lips to his. God above, this was exhilarating, knocking Elain breathless even as she was lowered onto her back, completely drowning in her best friend.

“Do you want this?” Azriel paused, as she caught a glimpse of him, bulging out of the front of his pants, too much clothing seeming to be between them as he stared at her, lips swollen from their contact.

“Yes,” she breathed, pulling her sweater over her head and watching him follow suit. She hadn’t been able to see his abs since they arrived, always flirting under the cover of darkness. They were delicious, and she blushed at the thought of licking chocolate sauce off of them. What a fine meal that would be.

He began unzipping his pants, taking a moment to rummage through his things until he found a condom and made his way back to her.

“Wait, the lights,” Elain reminded him, frightened of how much she might give away if only he was able to see her vulnerabilities.

He frowned, flicking off the light switch as she slid her leggings down her legs, and into a heap on the floor.

He came down upon her with a ferocity she’d never seen from Azriel before, his teeth grazing the tender skin of her neck as he began to worship her, taking his time with every inch of her skin as one hand slid between them until it was teasing her. He practically purred at the wetness he found waiting between her thighs as he thrust a teasing finger in her, his thumb never leaving her clit—just enough to get her going but not enough to fulfill her completely.

When she could stand it no longer, she let out a soft moan, an invitation which he fervently accepted, the hand inside her pulling out in order to guide himself in.

Elain choked back a gasp as he filled her, moving slowly to let her adjust around him—much more considerate than any partner she’d had in the past. She threaded her hands into his hair as he picked up his pace, eliciting unconscious groans from within her she didn’t realize she was capable of making.

Everything about this moment felt so right, and yet … Elain couldn’t let go of the doubt niggling at her mind that he was just doing this to help her feel better. That’s what this was all about.

She pushed those thoughts aside, trying her best not to let her mind override the magic Azriel was working on her body as she felt herself burning, burning, burning from the inside out. With every thrust of his hips, she could feel her fuse shorten, her breaths come faster as she neared the edge.

Elain couldn’t help the murmur of his name as she burst into a beautiful explosion, feeling the change in him as he finally let go himself and slowed until they came to a halt.

“El?”

It was only then that she realized she was shaking.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me to stop? I thought you were—”

He was interrupted by Elain once again fleeing from him, this time into the bathroom, where she turned on the shower if only to distract herself from the tears flowing down her face. 

She’d gone beyond the point of no return, and she knew that somehow, she must have completely ruined everything with Azriel. How was she supposed to focus on anything or anyone else?

She took her time, willing him to fall asleep, to have moved to the couch—anything other than having to face him now.

His worried face as she emerged though did little to assuage her own fears, and she found herself quietly slipping into bed next to him.

“Please talk to me,” he begged as she felt him hover behind her, unsure if he should pull her into his arms.

“I’m sorry, Az. I’m drunk.” Lie. “I shouldn’t have put you in that position. It won’t happen again.”

“I—”

“Can we just go to sleep?” she mumbled, unable to take any more of the anxiety piercing through to her very core.

“Of course.” She could hear a note of something—Anger? Disappointment?—in his voice, yet he merely curled up behind her. Elain felt herself exhale a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, as her body unwound a fraction. But it wasn’t enough. This couldn’t be enough for her.

## Night 12

They had tried. They had tried agonizingly all day not to let last night affect them, but Elain could tell that some sort of irreversible wall had been erected between them. Her only consolation had been the fact that once they made it back to campus, she could run off and hide for a few days before the semester started again.

If it hadn’t been a holiday, she might’ve suggested going back a day early, but she just needed to make it through one final night alone with him.

Unfortunately, they were stuck in this forced silence, Azriel fearing to approach her once more. 

His gaze on her back was like a brand. She knew he was waiting for an invitation she was far too ashamed to give.

“El, will you please turn around?” She didn’t know how long it had taken him to burst the bubble between them. Ten minutes? Fifteen?

“It’s fine,” she mumbled, scooting backwards, hoping the contact would silence him.

“No, everything’s not fine. I need you to talk to me about last night. I know you’ll shut me out as soon as we go back, as soon as this ends. I just need to know …”

“That I made a mistake? That I let you make a mistake, and now I can never take that back? We promised it wouldn’t get weird, and I fucked that up last night when I kissed you. And then … I don’t even know. The sex was great, but it just pushed us farther over the edge.” Everything just came bubbling out of her in a jumbled mess.

“And that’s somewhere you don’t want to go?” he probed, giving her an open opportunity to confess.

“I—I mean—” She had taken too long to answer

“Okay, Elain. I’ll leave it.”

“I’ve been terrified of it changing things,” she admitted in a hoarse whisper.

“What if I told you the same thing? What if I told you that every time I’ve looked at you for months that I’ve held myself back because I didn’t want you to run away from me? What if I told you that I selfishly took whatever scraps you were willing to give me this past week, knowing that there was a very real chance it all ended tomorrow? What if I told you that every time I feel you on my skin, I can’t even think straight? What if I told you that I was lying when I said it didn’t have to be weird? It was always going to be weird for me, but oh, was it worth it.”

“I—I—”

“I don’t expect you to feel the same. I never have. And I’m sorry if this is way out of line.”

“It’s not.” She turned to face him, running a cautious finger over his lips to silence him. “Az, I’ve felt like I’ve been dying this week. At first I didn’t realize exactly what it was, but I think I’ve been falling hard for you, trying not to let it get in my head. God,” she laughed. “It’s been tearing me apart.”

“Me too.”

“I was lying when I said I was drunk last night,” she admitted.

“I’d hoped so. When you started crying, I was terrified that I’d done something unforgivable.”

“I was afraid of losing you without ever having you. I was afraid you’d hate me for getting so upset that you had sex with me to calm me down. I just—”

“It was anything but that, El. I only wanted that because you said you did. Like I said, I’ve always been willing to take any piece of you which you’ll offer me.”

“Is it silly that I got jealous just wondering if we’d have to stop cuddling if you got a girlfriend. I know you haven’t had one in awhile, but …”

“There’s a reason for that.” He ran a hand through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. “There’s a very good reason I haven’t been able to give my heart to anyone lately. It’s just been hung up on you.”

And then he kissed her, low and slow, embers sparking as they found purchase, found something with which to burn. “It’s been you this whole time. Thank you for bringing me with you.” His lips magnetized back to her own.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Elain murmured as she came up for air.

He held her tenderly through the night. There would be other times for the two of them to ignite in a wildfire, but they seemed to have an unspoken agreement that tonight was a night of soft touches, gentle caresses.

The rest could come tomorrow. Or the next night. Or the next.


End file.
